Today, it is very
hard to me to think and understand how can I be so badly in sin and in the same
time Jesus is doing His work through my spiritual gifts He gave me? It is true
that I confess the sins and that is the only answer to me. I often feel very
happy and not heavy any more when I confess the sins and they really disappear
even when I not immediately repent. The most often is that repenting is very
long process in me. The most terrible moment is when I cannot find a mortal sin
in me. That is hard and I am not aware how bad it is.
The biggest sin
in me is my thinking that I can help somebody and than I push my self to help
even in sin. Wrong is that because I think I am somebody. I have to pray Jesus
to help people and not push my self to help. That sometimes become well, but it
is rare. Often I help somebody whom I see in sin and that is bad also. After
that I pray and try to help that man or woman and I suspect that I am in sin
and that is very bad. When the new day comes, I see there were only my sins and
I suppose I did not help anybody, only I am sure that Jesus said something to
somebody through me what converses that particular man or woman.
That is one of my crosses, such behavior
and I decided rather to run from people when I suspect that sin is going to
attack me because I think I was enough with this world, thirty seven years I tried
to manage the people around me and more ten or more years I was trying to manage
me and people together and there was not a big result, but it was necessary.
Now I am through with that and I think I have the right to run from the people.
I hear the call to get better in myself and to care for my self more than ever.
That is because I saw that I have so many gifts that I have to work on them, it
is something as commandment in my heart. It is only because I see that I do not
know anything, but when I see what I have done, I see that there are some very
good things that I was not aware before. In the other words, I saw more
goodness in my self lately and that is not me, that Holy Spirit. I have to let
Him work and do His job. It looks like I am trying to be happy but it is not
that. I am innocent in that matter because I was very often in anxiety and fear
and I had rough times and I do not know to be lazy or happy and I do not want
to. To give my self to Holy Spirit in my gifts is a hard work for me, it is
hard work to enjoy and be happy, very hard. I do not know that, but I know very
well what the real peace in the heart is. That I know since I was baptized and
started to dine Body of Christ. I know what the real peace is. 8:46
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