from the essay

Chapter 16

One Hour Too Much

Pg74

2013-10-26 23:20

Showgirl decided to wait the hour when the hour is changing.

She wanted so much to speak to God, but had not enough time, she was never alone. That does not mean that she wanted the loneliness, but often it was very good chance to relax completely. She was not alone and she had to wait the morning.

When Showgirl started to pray, longing to see any picture from Witness, she did not see anything but somebody who is taking something from the grave. That grave again. She could not concentrate on prayer. 23:31   

4:38 the hour had changed while she was sleeping. She wanted to write, but was not alone and she was desperate without an inspiration. That was something to contemplate, her writing. If she had something clever to do, she will never write. Her writing was boring to her, but she had to admit that there were some good things written and poems.

If she would not write, Witness could never help her.

She remembered how she started to write as a maniac she wrote fifty pages per day and made the long essay.

It is interesting that she tried to write poems when it was the worst and that poems were childish. She was in deep psychosis and she has drunk medicine and alcohol to do something at work. Between two jobs she could not sleep and she wrote poems. In the moment when she try a new medicine and was at home because was not able to work, she was writing and writing as that was something she had to do. Now, it is the same. She was thinking how her life would be empty and without faith and meaning if she could not write. 

Showgirl was very sorry because she could not write a normal essay, but she had a testimony of her illness and her illness was the proof that she is speaking the whole truth and therefore was the truth her critic of society that made her suffer and get her pain. It was not in her brain it was for real in the society what is happening with some people that is with every ordinary person in our days. 4:56

This essay was only a diary and the point is if she will found that she is very ill or not. She has to write this diary one more month.

Showgirl was lonesome because she did not hear Witness since the lot of people gathered at her. They had disturbed her hunches. It was often before and was in that moment that she felt meaningless and her hunches had no logical or any order. She was trying to understand people, but she saw that they are not talking as somebody who wanted to be understood or it is somebody who did not understand the purpose of his life. She really needed not to adjust to the people any more. In any case they were saying how they do not understand her.

There are priests who, it seems, do not understand her, too. It was not like that before. Some priests understood her there was Teacher, Spokesman, priest for children and that very young boy and, of course, her Witness. There were some more. Showgirl thought that she understood priests.

These essays were long and without real fibula, there were some contemplation, it was her inner life and probably boring only because she is not famous. If she was normal person, she would not be the writer at all she would be the cleaner or the counter. 5:20